Listening

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For the past few weeks I have been struggling with expectations, fears, and harsh realities. In the face of some joyous and exciting professional news, I have been forced to confront (again) the realities of some of the relationships in my life.

I am surrounded by wonderful people and wonderful support. I do not, not for one second, take for granted the fact that I am married to my biggest cheerleader- a woman I can count on for support, encouragement, accountability, challenge and unending love- even when love looks like telling me a hard truth. I have the best friends, friends who remind me I am worth celebrating, friends who let me share in big moments and small, who create space for me and the ways my life has changed, friends who support and love me, no matter what. I am blessed by so many in my life- and I have started to realize that I have given them less than my full self because I have been spending energy, emotion, and time, trying to make relationships work that perhaps, it is time to let go of.

Glennon Melton-Wambach (in her book “Love Warrior”) talked about meeting herself, and deciding to protect her fiercely. Maybe that is what I am finally deciding to do, in unexpected and difficult ways. You don’t ever want to feel like you have to protect yourself from people you love, but sometimes when loving them doesn’t change their mistreatment of you, that is exactly what is necessary.

In the wake of this revelation, the universe has been kind enough to provide me with gentle but clear reminders that it is okay to make a change. Two of these reminders came to me this morning- through the words of women that I have known for years- they are women who are strong, fierce, and gentle forces of love, and balance, in the world. These women walk the talk, and have become some of the trusted voices I carry in my internal narrative each day. And today they reminded me that what isn’t right for me, isn’t meant for me- and that the expectations I have created for myself are not written in stone. So it is time to make some changes.

This past week I was fortunate enough to spend some time with a professional coach- and in the course of that discussion he noticed that I spend a lot of time apologizing for my own self- apologizing for my gifts and talents- apologizing for ideas I feel called too- and he asked me why. Tears welled in my eyes, and I heard my voice crack as I said “because my giftedness has not always been welcomed or wanted.” To hear the ways that assumed rejection had made its way into my day to day life broke my heart. To hear that I have taken a posture of apology, anticipating rejection or denial, assuming I am wrong before I even start….that was hard, but clarifying.  This coach reminded me that I am gifted, and that I am called to walk in that giftedness- by God, the One who created me as God’s own beloved.

This is the truth for all of us. We are all beloved, and we are all meant to live lives of abundance… Lives that reflect each of our own unique giftedness, and the ways those gifts are meant to serve the world. The world needs each of us to know ourselves, and to walk in our giftedness, without apology. 

What will you do to protect yourself? What are the things in your life that you need to let go of? What is “not for you”? What outdated and unhealthy expectations (from yourself or others) do you need to change, or abandon? What relationships need to change, or end?

What will you do when you meet yourself? And if you meet yourself and don’t recognize the person looking back at you, my hope is that you will turn to those who know you and love you fully, so that you may be reminded of who you are.

You are loved.

pjp