I lift my eyes up…

The barrage has been constant in the last few weeks- hurricanes, earthquakes, fires, and the news…the damn news.

I have spent hours worrying about, praying for, and seeking ways to help my friends who have been impacted by the hurricanes- and my heart kept breaking as I heard story after story of homes lost, families separated- but then the news of helpers, the stories of good happening amidst the chaos.

And then the news of the North Bay fires in my beloved home state. It all began to feel like the world is crying out, like creation is groaning. A friend of mine wrote that perhaps it is birthing pains, the pain that comes before something new comes, re-creation. I want to agree, I want to live in that space- the space of hope and longing. But today, I can’t. Today I am firmly planted in grief, and a deep sadness.

In the wake of the #metoo campaign, I have found myself triggered, and overwhelmed by the desire to walk with the countless other women who I know are carrying the same burden. It wasn’t our fault, it wasn’t our doing, and yet, once again, we are forced to carry the weight to shine light to a problem that has been shoved in the shadows for far too long.

My heart is broken open, raw- and then… news of the highest elected officials joking about executing LBGT people…and honestly, I just can’t. And during #Nationalcomingout month, no less.  Glennon Doyle said it best when she said “I am crushed by this. I will rise soon, but right now I am trying to process the truth of the matter- which is that of the two leaders of this country- this country that I love and serve everyday- one wants me dead and the other thinks it’s funny. This is not normal.” Y’all, I am in desperate need of Good News, but today, I would settle for something not terrible.

I am exhausted….weary….bone-tired. And frankly, I don’t have the energy to fight a megalomaniac who would laugh at his socio-path counterpart feelings about the value of my life. What really and truly breaks my heart is that the country I love is lead by people like this, and that the church I love has had part in creating this environment. Yes, the church has made progress, but it still feels as though there is an asterisk by my name because I am married to a woman. It feels like on so many fronts the world has deemed me unworthy of rights, personhood, dignity, employment…the list goes on and on. And I know God looks at this and claims it all as lies- and while I want so badly to cling to that, my heart is broken, and holding onto anything right now just feels like too much- so for today, I am desperately trying to rest in the knowledge that God holds onto me.

I want so much to fight the fights that are calling for arms – fires, policy, hate, injustice, poverty, rebuilding, community building, advocacy…but for today, all I can do is lift my eyes up and weep- asking “Where does my help come from?”….and wait. Today I need to rest, and pray that God will put me back together so that I can take up the arms of hope and love tomorrow.

“I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come?“- Psalm 121: 1